What hurts you, blessed you.

…… and even if I go it alone, I will be there, where I am meant to be. Home within myself, full of love, light, and the peace that will wash over me… as I can stand on my own with the knowledge that I went forward with my heart wide open, not just giving love, but being love.

I’ve spent a great deal of my life with an awareness that I wouldn’t ever have many friends. It used to be that I thought it was because I was “weird” too different and having to try to explain shit to people that they’re never going to understand- I was almost right. From that perspective. And from others perspective no they can’t understand unless they would of chosen to open their minds to be emptied of the clutter they filled it up with.

It’s always been very hurtful to always be there for others and yet no one ever there for me in that way. But here I am, with this even more profound awareness…. I am the person I seek. I can be, give, and have all of those things I wish to have in my life.

That journey of INNERstanding! To go inward and realize there is nothing outside myself that I don’t have within. The learning how to not let someone else’s bs behavior and attitude to destroy your inner peace is deep.. next level shit. So I chose to level up. To be what and who I need—-> ta mf da!!!

Yes having like minded people is amazing but when you feel out of balance it’s for a reason. Putting so much of yourself into others and not being replenished (equal give equal take) it will drain you. I had to wake the hell up and realize this!

I know I deserve the best 🙋🏽‍♀️ and therefore I can only allow myself to be aligned with those who are on the same vibrations of love and light.

Yes connect and make waves… yes help plant the seeds to help others awaken.. yes be present and conscious…. but don’t let anyone smile in your face pretending to love and support you and are never fucking there for you but will absolutely expect you to drop your entire world to help them work out their shit by dumping it on you.

That is not what we are here for. Everyone including me and you are like trucks for instance. Some are garbage trucks some are dump trucks filled with some kind of fuckery, and some are moving trucks moving their shit and other people’s shit from one place to another- and there are some who have that bumper sticker “yes I have a truck no I will not move you” so just run with this analogy ok.

You have to go from being dump/garbage truck to the no I won’t move you to the I have a covered bed with hidden gems I want to share but only with those who truly are about that growth life, but I’m out here leaving trails of love light peace kindness and joy for those who are aware and looking for it- that shits freely rainbowing out my arse ok!


Oooh and the mind. The rampantly destructiveness that are “thoughts” that don’t even belong to YOU.

I’ll be crazy for believing.

I am not the mind

I am not even the body

The Watcher. The Observer. The Gap between those thoughts….

And baby it’s beautiful when you realize that you’re the silence, the quiet embrace, that warm silky smooth love that caresses you at all times of happiness joy excitement fun giving celebrations birth awakenings adventures truth fearlessness and so forth. Vibe high? Yes please do!

Teenager problems

Here I sit… fighting every emotion and tear I can…

I don’t want to “get it”

I don’t want to be “that parent”

I don’t need the stress or worry

I don’t need my only child to be doing stupid and harmful shit…

Like how can you complain school is so hard and the kids are mean and all this… when you’re putting yourself in the position to have them talking about you?

You want to have boyfriends ok but the bullshit that goes with it brings problems.

I mean sending photos of yourself and having sexually explicit conversations but I’m wrong for saying anything… but you have boyfriend and sending photos of your ass literally to other boys? But you’re mad they called you a hoe…

No, technically you’re not, is all I can tell her.

But if you were my friend and age I’d tell you these things:

You are acting like you want that attention, than completely act so innocent when they put their hands on you or say something you don’t like- but you sending messages on instagram that contradicts everything.

If that’s not what you want than stop putting yourself into dumb situations.

Stop sending racy photos of yourself to all these boys and random strangers online.

Stop talking about sex with these people.

Be the person you want to have in your life.


There’s so many things I could say… than I think that I’m not helping. I’m only going to make it worse.

Than I realized I don’t say anything and nothing will ever change. But it’s not on me to change her. She has to want better for herself.

She doesn’t want to listen. She doesn’t see anything wrong with anything she says or does.

So all I can do is sit here in my tears and write. There’s a choice, allow her to find herself and be who she wants and how she wants- and just sit in the mess she makes and just say “I’m here and I love you regardless”

I could go batshit crazy and scream yell curse and tell her how fucking dumb she’s being cause I want better for her and I need her to get it together and she has no choice…

I can’t do that. Just want her to love herself… more than I love her… so she won’t have to go through all the petty bs… but she has a choice, and if this is what she chooses to do.. who am I to tell her she’s wrong.

This shit sucks.

Am I the only person that thinks and feels? Lunatic typing!

Not sure where to start cause there’s so fucking much to actually say/type shush there’s that one person over analyzing everything again…

Maybe I should get these twats gorilla glue for Christmas. ...
so. Maybe I should get these twats gorilla glue for Christmas. …

Don’t worry I’ll get this spoil lingering fuck fest of a rant together. I’m literally that flabbergasted….

  1. Loyalty.
  2. Family
  3. Honor
  4. Friends
  5. Relationships
  6. Respect
  7. Where did all the good people go? In my Jack Johnson voice!

Loyalty. I ponder a fucking lot about this… everyone says they are yet I’ve never seen it in them… (don’t take it personally I’m venting about my experiences with people rather I know them or just been around em you know)

This whole ride or die shit… the fuck you mean? If there is no trust I’m not going anywhere with you! Die? For your ignorance? I think no. So you want to go do some fucked up shit and expect me to ride along and go down with you? Fml… look I’m all for being down with my people but if you love me you wouldn’t dare ask me to risk everything I’ve worked my ass off for to go down doing ignorant bs…. that’s not friendship,  that’s a sinking ship. Most of the dumb ass motherfuckers I see using this method of trying to lure weak minded people into – are going to do shit that can and will end badly. The only awesome comparison that showed me the good side of ride or die is the actual relationship between characters (not what they were doing but the love they had, the shit they did was dumb dangerous and should stay on the silver screen I’m sorry but orange is not the new black, I’m not made for prison unless someone hurts my kid than bitches heads will roll. Ok) Letty and Dom. That’s what ride or die means… fast & furious fans rejoice. But don’t commit crimes that’s bad and prisons are already over populated baby and that’s just the government. .. save that conspiracy for another rant I promise!  So loyalty Wtf is wrong with being true to yourself and those you love… not using it as a means of getting over on others… claiming loyalty yet where you at??





Family- the first and worst to do it.




Now I know family is you, your children, and those who’d ride or die (death of the ego, the drama, low vibrations, evasive attitudes etc) for the betterment of you and you for them.



That’s love.


It’s been a good long while….

Ever been the kind of tired that sleep can’t fix?

Swell, not really.  So that’s where I am currently.

I’m trying to not give up or cave in.

Still growing and doing my best…. even if it’s not good enough for anyone .

I keep telling myself to hold on, but at some point this thin line will break or I’ll lose my grip……

Being positive and doing good seems to be nothing more that a trap and I don’t like setting  myself up for failure. Than again I’m turning into a pessimist apparently.

I’d give my last to see my family good… especially my parents and daughter…. all they do is the take and take advantage of me… nothing I can do is right or good enough…. it’s never enough. what if I have nothing left to give…. oh they complain about that too…. yet no one cares how broken my insides feel…. no one is willing to admit how shitty they are to me… the manipulation,  blaming everything on me… using me….

I know I’m not the best thing walking….. but I don’t feel like or deserve to be treated like shit.. if I’m never around how can I run your bills up? I barely eat- and I buy my own food,  even resorted to showering every other day…  to once a week, to every other week.



Don’t think me nasty… but becoming homeless and having to go stay with family, lord Jesus. It’s ok, a lifetime of lessons.

Fucking nasty… but to keep from being yelled at…. talked bad to… just because of a 5 minute shower.

I don’t want to be here… I didn’t ask for all this shit to happen… but it’s better to tear me down,  while I’m down….

It’s not even worth breathing

So funny…. I’d give and have given  my all just to end up taking myself off the earth so I’m not a burden.




Not like anyone would notice.. except I’d still be a hardship,  but she’d complain about me killing myself. .. not out of love. she hates me and makes sure she treats me like a pile of shit…. but she doesn’t realize that I matter, even if I don’t matter to her.

so… here’s to you mom….

Because of you I learned the best life lesson ever, thank you for showing me I never needed you, I needed to be broken to reveal that it’s not your overall and approval I needed. Just my own. So now that I’ve escaped the toxic grip of your existence. … I’ve come to forgive you,  but I need to release the emotional connection,  thank god, I’m OK with letting go.


Cosmic release and cord cutting, binding a day banishing you from my eternal existence.

Fucking cunt, keep your dirty feet out of my mind.

My life is too precious to give up. So you’ll never have the satisfaction of my presence being diminished.

And if anything were to happen to me….


I hope the police never give my daughter to her abusive greedy ass. Why,  all she sees is how to get money. She doesn’t care about anything else.

Sorry for not giving you spending money from St Croix or anything else to fund your ridiculous spending habits,  stop spending your money trying to impress people who don’t even like you. Stop leaving all the lights on and running your own bills up. Stop hitting my dad you crazy bitch… one day everyone will see you for the sociopath you are.

No, I’m not sorry. I’m glad.

Daughter. … I tried. I’m trying. You’ll awaken and see everything I’ve been telling get you, teaching you, an tying to guide you soon enough, all will become clear,  I promise baby girl. Don’t ever let anyone dismiss your shine, keep growing diamonds, acres of them in your mind!!

Dad…. I thought I’d stay and go round for you, but you must love being treated like you’re  shit. It’s  like every time you open your mouth it isn’t even you talking.

I stayed in Kentucky for you. I  clearly I trusted you and for what… just so you could put me down too. You can allow her to destroy you, take your family from you and consume you, but I will no longer suffer her out of loyalty. That’s not love, and it isn’t me loving myself.

Not like you’re going to care now….

I’m done trying.

Done being a punching bag.




I’m tired.

Tired of being beat down and broken.


I was….


I am free.

There are no words to describe the hell I’ve suffered my entire life.  I can’t do this shit  much longer so….

Fuck it .





I’m not that scared little girl anymore.

I’m not the weak willed teenager willing to take the abuse.


I’m not the emotionally tormented young woman who allowed everyone to take advantage of her.



I’m awake.




And the paradigm has shifted.

I will never go quietly again.



Attitude Problems….


I know I have an attitude problem. I’ve learned to keep it in check, and then there always someone who wants to fuck with me and wake the fucking dragon. (I need to hit my bowl for this shit)

Let the dragon sleep. Simple. I got the nickname Nitro at the age of 2….. my dad and oldest brother (RIH) gave it to me. Apparently when I came in a room either I lit it up with laughter or cleared mfs out of my way. I blame my temper on my mother she has a nasty one but she’s one of those quiet crazy mfs. Wai till you in private to unleash the psycho. Lmao

Of course as the older I got the name stuck due to the validity of it. Nitroglycerin.  Calm cool and just fine as long as it’s undisturbed. Shake at your own risk. KAAAAABOOOOOOM

I admit it was hard having a fire temper. Sometimes I’d go off on people without merit but they did irk my nerves or bother me in some way- wasn’t worth the nervous breakdown I gave them though. Of course I have honestly done my best to tame this dragon living in my body. I do believe I was a glorious dragon in a former life. And if I was a dinosaur I would of been a nitrosaurusrex!

dragon-art-gallery-Desert-Lords that’s me in all my  glory bitches

I meditate do yoga and removed harmful people places and things from my life. Like the weight of the world came off me. I’ve always eaten healthy but I did change my food intake a bit. And I no longer have a gallbladder. A chefs worse nightmare y’all.  I quit smoking cigarettes and stopped hanging out with disrespectful assholes who thought it funny to blow smoke in my face during that process. (Shit like that- #instamad) Even though I made so many changes for myself so I’d be a better human daughter mother friend etc NO ONE around me seemed to understand that sometimes it’s my environment and those in it that triggered my dragons awakening.

Until this day my own parents refuse to see that. Hurtful why yes. I can’t keep being the bad guy. So at this point in my 32 years I’ve decided I need to just REMOVE MYSELF from the situation,  and relocate once I can establish an new business clientle.

The birth of my daughter helped me overcome a lot of my anger…. I had someone who loved me regardless of the shit that was eating me alive.


Thanks mini awesomeness.  You saved me. And I didn’t even need jail to be redeemed.  Lol orange is NOT the new black. I cannot stress that enough!

I feel it’s a bit unfair that I should have to start over in a new city and state… but I have to do what’s good for my soul. And that means getting away from people who mean me no good. Strange how strangers can treat you better then your own family…. even though it’s not just that. The place I live… if feel it’s toxic to its core even that feeling that “it’s in the water”. Like I know it sounds weird…… but have you e er felt perfectly fine and went into a place and just got overwhelming upset mad sad or angry or all of the above? Yes I have every damn day…. than I realized, it’s myour mind that’s the toxic place to be living in.

Add that to my attitude issue. Yikes! So I know when I moved here I could feel myself becoming increasingly difficult-  more so (wasn’t a complete bitch until I got here. I’m that honest) I’ve been here 13 years and I haven’t been able to get over it. Until I became close as it gets to a social hermit. Stopped hanging out completely.  I work, any school stuff, have fun with my kid and that’s that. I try to be friendly but….. I get irritated and I feel the dragon waking up. I go home before I unleash that beast. Not today satan!!!!

Ok blah blah. So I plan on figuring it out so I can uproot my life business kid and start fresh some place healthy. Like with natural forests clean rivers lakes maybe a beach.. I feel if I live in a friendlier place we may have a better chance of survival. My kid is now a hormonal teenager. I’d hate for us to become me and my mom. Fuck that noise.




Or not, but I can never seem to escape this place, so honestly feels like I’m supposed to just be still and wait. Knowing there’s asshats everywhere,  I just need change. Universe produce an exit sign when to time. Ok, thanks babe.



At 32, I’m happier now that I have rid my life of people, places that caused or had drama awaiting me, and things that didn’t help me ie cigarettes drinking with friends that couldn’t be human whilst drinking. .. etc


This I had to learn the hard way….. anyone who brings you constant drama and the same god damn bs drama LOVE THE SHIT! FUCK up out my face with that shit! Tell em bye felicia! Lol

I’d love the crazy feedback. Cause I know I cannot be the only honest human being left that has felt this shit!

Live laugh love toke until you choke ♡

Catfish… stalkers. Butthurt bitches. SUPERMAD ho’s.


So apparently the catfish fad has taken a serious turn into something more maniacal.  People are out here making fake accounts to stalk others. Harass others. Abuse and slandering and I mean seriously!

For instance this nut job named Jenny has been stalking me for over two years.  Creating fake profiles. All because she’s mentally ill and mad I pointed this out. SUPERMAD. Who has time to maintain 20-50 fake profiles? Be a parent? Makes me wonder does this whacko even has time to be productive at work or in her life?


Now… what makes anyone who is “mentally stable” want to create a fake profile or account; on any social media site, to start shit with others, stalk, or pretend to be someone else in order to hurt anyone? Why try to befriend someone under false pretenses…. or to make shit up about someone? Like bitch are you scared to say shit as yourself that you have to make a fake account to say it? Why does anyone need to hide who they are to say what they feel?

OK let’s say from a different perspective. … you’re a cunt and you can say what you feel and have no problems doing so. And yet you still make “alter” accounts to harass people. Still seems mentally unstable.

Whether it’s malicious or because someone is “afraid” to be themselves….. is this shit fucking healthy in any way shape or form?  Can anyone who spends ample time using fake profiles to be a menace be deemed mentally stable?  How could they be? Honestly I feel it’s one thing to be a shy person trying to meet someone…. creepy as fuck to lie about who you are or what you look like to get close to someone but more importantly at least they aren’t as psychotic as someone who clearly has anger issues out here trying to damage others.

So here it is. I think it’s insane. I feel like if you’re crazy enough to create a fake profile to stalk someone’s profile, deliberately cause trouble with people, and be so angry that you’d make more then 20 just to talk shit to someone you don’t like.

That’s my POV. I may be wrong. I may be right. But I will never create a fake account and present myself as someone else for any fucking reason under any circumstances. I may get called crazy for being too loud to honest too fucking awesome but you can’t make believe that this behavior is sane or rational!

It’s ok to disagree.  It’s ok to agree.  Just don’t even fall in line or in love with an illusion of anything false.

Live love laugh toke until you choke ♡

Shitty traffic, don’t be a shit driver man.


So what can get under this gypsy’s skin? BAD FUCKING DRIVERS! 😏 like seriously there is traffic everywhere. Stop go stop wait roll stop go… Repeat. So why ride my bumper? Why be so close to my car that if you sneeze you’ll hit my fucking car with your boogers? Nothing worse then being in heavy traffic with inconsiderate cunts. Yeah bitches that drive like that are CUNTS.

💁🏽  if  that makes me a bitch so be it. I’ll eat your fucking heart and face off if you hit my damn car.


I get it it’s stressful as fuck being in traffic. But why make it worse by being a fucking douchebag? I myself feel the anxiety of it. Last thing I need is to be rear ended or in any accident. (I’ve been t-boned driver side once passenger side once and rear ended twice) and no I didn’t cause them. Hence why I have anxiety about it!

Makes too much sense to leave space between you and the car ahead of you. Cause if someone was to rear end you and your damn near in the person ahead of you trunk both ends of your car are now FUCKED.

KUDDOS fucktard you now have to pay to fix the rear end of the car you were so delighted to be all up on! And both ends of your car are now Fucked!

🔥🌳😤😏 thats my rant. Hopefully you laughed. Found it insightful and realize that you shouldn’t ever be on someone’s ass. Or get fucked on both ends. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

live love laugh toke till you choke!

Bang Bang 2.5

Seriously. Dating isn’t real anymore. It’s all netflix and rim jobs. Lol


So here I am 32 single and quite happy with the life I’m building for my daughter and I. Yet I feel there is this innate desire time bomb inside of me….. I keep dreaming about babies. Wtf. My kid is 12. I think no. Then I keep thinking about marriage.  I’m 32. No one is going to marry my old grumpy ass. Again, Wtf.

I can be single and happy. I’ve already accomplished this. I’m territorial.  I’m ocd, and I have adhd.  There’s complicated things with “falling in love” and time and yackity smackity…. when do I have time to date? Kid free time is nonexistent duhhhhh! Then when I do magically meet a guy it’s all “netflix & chill” aka let’s put a movie on and I’m going to fuck you…. or “hey let’s cuddle” code for let’s bump uglies . Yowzah! !!

I’m 32 not a slut…

View original post 221 more words

Bang Bang 2.5

So here I am 32 single and quite happy with the life I’m building for my daughter and I. Yet I feel there is this innate desire time bomb inside of me….. I keep dreaming about babies. Wtf. My kid is 12. I think no. Then I keep thinking about marriage.  I’m 32. No one is going to marry my old grumpy ass. Again, Wtf.

I can be single and happy. I’ve already accomplished this. I’m territorial.  I’m ocd, and I have adhd.  There’s complicated things with “falling in love” and time and yackity smackity…. when do I have time to date? Kid free time is nonexistent duhhhhh! Then when I do magically meet a guy it’s all “netflix & chill” aka let’s put a movie on and I’m going to fuck you…. or “hey let’s cuddle” code for let’s bump uglies . Yowzah! !!

I’m 32 not a slut, or slut-bashing. But not everything is for everyone!  And racking up dicks isn’t my thing. So this is another complication…. Yes I love sex, no I don’t want to sleep with everyone and every time someone tells me I’m attractive or whatever I don’t feel obligated to blow them. So what’s with all this unnecessary pressure to bone me?

Like I’m good enough to fuck… yet not good enough to be involved with?


I can’t fathom why this is such a hard thing- unlike every guy that sees this skinsuit I live in and assume they can hook up with me.

Simple get to know a person. If you can’t see a future with that person you have no business laying down with them unless you’re a paid porn star. Then that is literally your business!

So I guess I’ll just continue being happily single. No Std’s.  No attitude problems.  No lying. No cheating. No arguing,  or possibly getting smacked or going to jail for stabbing a guy that smacks me…. I think I like this simple version of happy. No bullshit. No drama. No reason not to have a happy life. But if Brock O’Hurn or Keanu Reeves want to marry me. I’m fucking down. Forehead to the belly down. Lmfao.

Live laugh love toke until you choke  ♡

Bang Bang 2.0

So of course I’d like to think of myself as a whole lot of fun…. cheeky… brash… pretty fucking awesome. It was however brought to my attention that I’m “intimidating”. This opinion is mildly disturbing and oh so hilarious to me.

Apparently,  I am not taking myself seriously,  I come off mean in my words- the way I type/text is offensive well being taken offensive due to I’m not really sure. I fucking laugh so much that it’s hard to see how anyone can honestly take these little letters that combine to make words so harshly. Like seriously bitches with britches just laugh lighten up. I don’t have a dick why take this so a hard. (This is where  you keep laughing)

I feel as if people take things so out of context as in – that’s how they would say it because that’s how they perceived what they read. Say “I really don’t like that carrot it’s ugly” just means I don’t like the looks of it. I’d still eat that bitch though. But how can that make anyone mad…. see I feel people be tripping. I’m probably wrong. Probably right.

Now as far as this whole dumb I’m intimidating thing. Why do I have to be all that? I didn’t realize being honest and not having a gag order could make anyone intimidating…… it’s a verb! That’s cool…. sure but the definition of it is NOT! To frighten or overawe someone/thing especially in order to make them do what one wants. Wtf!!!! I’m no bully. Uh that is just ludicrous. . It’s erroneous!  If I want something I can get it on my own account. I don’t see myself trying to scare others… if they are scared of me then they probably scared of their own shadow.

Now I asked why… why say such an awful thing about me? He replies…. your beauty scares me, and I’m sure you are a succubus.

Now please join me as I laugh. That was laugh worthy. Round of applause to guys and their dumb ass lines. Succubus.  Pffffffttttt

Now excuse me while I roll up, cause clearly it’s not meant for me to understand why anyone would call me intimidating even in a pick up line. Lmfao

Live. Love. Laugh. Toke until you choke.